switched to livejournal. don't ask why :)

www.livejournal.com/users/_miststix

i realise that its been quite sometime since i've written a proper entry.and what i mean by a proper entry is an entry about how my day has been like, what happened today, what i did today and blah blah all that normal stuff. cause i've been reading my recent entries and i've noticed that most of them are entries that talk about love, heartbreaks or heartaches. i mean, i'm only 17. what do i know about the true meaning of love? what do i know about relationships? i'm expected to study my ass off and get excellent grades at an age like this. but come to think of it again, its at this point of age that someone begins to experience all these. being in love, getting our hearts broken over and over and over again, not being able to sleep because you're so busy thinking about whether that someone is thinking about you too just like how you are thinking about them at that very moment and all that mushy shitty fucked up stuff. so isn't it ironic how you know that you're not supposed to fall in love now since you're only 17 but you still want to experience it and you are expected to have a feel of it too :P

anyhoos, here goes my nothing-about-love-and-heartbreaks-or-any-of-that-sort-of-shit entry:)

so today was quite a productive one i have to say. i finally managed to finish reading keluarga gerilya although it took me almost a week to complete it. needless to say, the story wasn't that bad after all considering the fact that the novel was written in bahasa indonesia. but hey..i'm not complaining. i learned some 'indo bad words' in the process. for instance, "bangsat!" and "bajingan!". hahaha..not that i'm saying that i'm going to use it now :P. and so that's one holiday assignment off the list. and now i'm already starting on my ao maths tutorials. i can't afford to procrastinate further seeing that i've been procrastinating for the whole month of november doing absolutelty nothing but just idling around the house and complaining that i've got nothing to do. so now, with less than three weeks left before school re-opens, i am struggling to finish up my holiday assignments. and i still have yet to study for the geog test when school re-opens later. but luckily the reading logs are going ok so far:) this is so not like me. i'm always on task. sheesh. get a grip sarah.

i watched 40-year-old virgin too although it was only for a measly half an hour. i realised that the movie just wasn't my cup of tea. and to add on to that, i don't think i should be watching these type of movies with my brother there in the living room. i know he's already 12 and all grown up now, but i think its still too early to expose him to the mean vulgar world of sex. i know its not a porn movie but still. so, when i saw the first hint of exposed tits, i decided to just not watch the movie. haha..see what a good and observant sister i am :D

but on a lighter note, my legs are finally ok. after running a very "extensive" 2.4km on monday, my legs have been aching. its only 2.4km and here i am already whining my ass off. pathetic ain't it? oh wells, another 2.4km awaits tomorrow. another morning where i have to run amidst the elderlies and humiliate myself. how motivating :)

and yah, i've always wondered if the guys under the opposite block ever go to school/work. its not that i am insulting them or being mean but siang malam korang terpekik terlolong. macam takde kerja lain gitu. its none of my business anyway. asalkan korang bahagia sudah.

ok. goodnight world.

today was one of those days where i thought i was over him. i smile and laugh with my friends, and everything just seems right. but, i know later at night, i'll be scared to go to sleep because i know that this day doesn't come so often. i know that tomorrow when i wake up, something will have happened and he'll be on my mind again. i won't be able to go anywhere without seeing something that reminds me of him, or listen to the radio without hearing our song. i'll wonder why he doesn't call and i'll blame myself for him leaving, and for not being able to get over him.

so that's why i have to realize that life and love is going to let me down sometimes. i'm going to have some embarassing moments, i can't change my genetics, and the boy i like won't always like me back. but i have to always see the big picture. maybe it wasn't meant to be. maybe this is a sign that it really wasn't that important. sure, little things have their moments when they are your entire life and once you're crushed, you're crushed. but i have to deal with the fact that, as cliche as it sounds, tomorrow is another brand new day and that something or someone else is going to come along and i'll realize how stupid i was for getting so down about such a small thing because life's lesson are always learnt through pain. so, eventually i'll take my own advice, but the bottom line is, i always have to put things into perspective. and it's never the end of the world.

i have to let go. it doesn't take strength to hold on to something so precious to you, but it takes strength to let go of one. I HAVE TO LET IT GO.

• today was day out with family:)
• the national library is really HUGE.
• bugis street is love.
• i got myself a new watch. neh neh neh neh.
• i'm finally done with my econs homework! :D
• i'm really missing someone. I WANT YOU. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
  

"Maybe there are no right moments, right guys or right answers. Maybe you just have to say what's in your heart."

*i'm suddenly missing someone whom i shouldn't be missing, really badly.

right now,i'm trying to be a strong girl and am trying to keep my shit in line even when tears are streaming down my fucked up face, even when my heart is already totally broken into a million pieces. i'm not going to loose myself completely just because of what happened yesterday night. i'm going to say " i'm fine" albeit how i actually feel inside. i'm worth more than all this. i'm fine.

it's true. i can never be like any other people, i take pleasure and pride of being able to stay awake and think of you while you doze off. tried to wake you up, tried to call you, tried to see you. i tried to pretend that things were like before, where you would nudge me every now and then and put a smile on my face while i was bored. you would complain about your day and your school while i looked at you and smiled. you didn't know that i was tired too, and i will never say cause, i didn't want the expressions on your face to die out, the way your lips move, your eyes twitch and the way your cheeks turn to pink when you are angry. you have this way that makes me want to hug, hold and keep you safe. my dearpreciouslameboy, you once make me weak in my knees. you used to look at me and tell me how gorgeous i am even when i have tears on my face. is it a scheme? a technique? a way? a hidden agenda to make me feel all these and then, in the end dropping me as though we never shared anything?? and i cry at the fact that things will never be the same again. those antics that you once did and once make me feel on top of the world now have little effects on me, not cause my heart has changed, or that the feelings have stopped, but because, you have stopped showing it. you now, have her in your arms. the thought of her hand on your shoulder where it used to be mine. the thought of those jokes that we once shared are no longer going to be 'our' joke anymore. the thought of those winking eye, or those one liner words that were only known by us. but now, there is no more you and me.

don't you get it that i love you so much? people say you know you're in love when you feel all warm & fuzzy inside.. and you never can find the bad in anything. you just always look for the silver lining. that's not true. when you're in love, you find yourself wondering whether you trust him or not. you wonder what he does behind your back. you want to know everything and you can never get him out of your head. but love hurts the worst when he says he doesn't love you anymore... love hurts the most when i heard those words from you.

people say at my age, i don't really know what love is. well, then maybe there's another explanation for the way i feel about you. how every second i am away from you seems like an eternity. how everytime you kiss my lips, i wish that time would freeze and i'd be with you for all time.how everytime i try to think of something else, i can only think of one thing and thats you. how everytime i see you, i smile more and more, and how i'm so happy i could cry. how everytime i talk of you to others, i feel like a giddy little kid with a secret to tell. how everytime i speak, i want to tell someone how wonderful you are. how the times i'm most happy are when i'm with you and i miss you the most right after i leave your side. maybe there is another explanation for the uncontrollable feeling inside of me. but right now, i'll hold the thought that i love you inside of my heart forever.

you may not know it yet, maybe you'll never even think about it, but i'm special. you're gonna meet a lot of girls throughout your life and a lot of them will be special to you but i'll tell you right now that you'll never find another me so take a good look around you because i'm leaving and i may never come back. and why is that? its because you wanted me to go. its because you threw me away. its because you literally told me to FUCK OFF many a times yesterday night.

so, think of this as our last goodbye. just take this time to look at everything we've been through. remember how much i loved you. remember how much i gave my all to you. remember how i put you above everyone else. remember the song that reminds you of me. remember how much you hurt me and how i forgave you. remember me when someone asks you "who loves you the most?". think of us and what could have been. just remember and never forget...